WOLF TOURS Radio Ad
we’ve lost our protected status but not our capitalist goals! we’ve lost our minds with prices like these in 60 years we’ve killed only two of you we care like no other and demand to know the difference between care and love we are not being rhetorical! we hunt to eat and leave charitably the rest for strangers moose and elk have killed far more than we we are job creators! by targeting the weak and old we keep entire populations healthy! our numbers are improving take a look at our books! we will never stop preventing over-grazing we are the regulatory system you always dreamed of we also offer tours
WOLF TOURS Magazine Ad
Our loyal customers never contract tapeworm and never go extinct. Now only: three for the price of five. Have you ever wanted all your dreams to come true? Have you been seeking a genuine, authentic, guaranteed wolf experience? Deep in the scary night have you ever dreamed of watching two friends cut off their own heads and then dispose of their own bodies using hydrofluoric acid? On your next Wolf Tour, we CAN and we WILL talk about this. We WILL apply a Jungian interpretation, which holds that you should “CHOOSE A NEW WAY OF BEING IN THE WORLD.” We WILL say provocative things like “by all means kill yourself but DO NOT HARM YOUR BODY!” We maintain that mistaken literalism is the greatest tragedy of dreams.
WOLF TOURS Internal Memo Re: Trash Incident
“Autumn Underwater”: this month’s featured side-tour gone awry, quarantined early on by the Office of Ocean Pollution Safety. Uniquely damaged, even by our own colorful standards. Refunds are processing, Yelp apologies pre-typed. Truthfully, we misunderstood reports about the trash vortex and its speed and acceleration. We were never strong in math. We are deeply regretful; we despair in our miscalculation. We used to imagine ourselves capable only of good. The stingrays like to nestle in the snorkelers’ arms. One small touch can’t kill the whole reef. We used to stay up picturing the sea alone at night.
WOLF TOURS: Day Eleven
The clients receive letters from loved ones— the ones still living in cages. With the end of the Tour approaching, they begin to admit the origins of their sadness. The limits of a single life, and the warrants this entails. Or birth in the wrong era— too early by a century. The impossibility of obtaining all, and each acquisition a reminder of the lack. But letters are not ancient enough, so they turn instead to the lupine way. When the night falls down they lift it back up again, heads tipped and watching for what they know is behind the clouds.
WOLF TOURS: Day Thirteen
Two by two they pray on the mountain peak, establishing something mysterious and lifelong. Every client is different, every tour the same. They sing and recite their rituals, promise their bonds and bind their promises. Will they still remember in ten years? What about a hundred? The Earth was never meant to last. Every turn complicates without revealing a thing. This is the gift of the Tour, or one of them. Yes to the withdrawn confession, yes to the silenced truth. If you can’t see the sentiment, it must exist everywhere. Your crustacean heart so thick its beats look only like shaking.
By Alyse Knorr